The death of SUES!
by guy who doesn't like names
Summary: A Hare from Redwall Sets of to find a way to kill/humiliate the WRETCHID SUES!
1. Notes

Note: this is my first fic. ever and i mean EVER! 

Basicly, it's about a hare that finds the secret to defeating Sues. This is merly some notes by me so the reader knows more about the story.

The main reason i am doing this is so that Kelaiah, LittlePsychoWolf, and warrior4 can tell me if i can use their alter egoes. My main cahrechter, Benjamin Thuple Egla Finlan The Third ( if you can't tell, he's a hare,  
needs some beasts to adventure with.

please review, this is a humor fic., and will be started soon if i can use your egos.

PS. I don't own redwall and I don't own any charechters other than Benjamin Thuple Egla Finlan The Third!

**PPS. ** Kelaiah is my Fav. author and this page is not meant to be humor-es ! the humor will start after those three reviews!!!


	2. Benjamin and the Suessss

**A/N:** This is a guy who doesn't like names, and this is his first fic (inspired by all those Sue stories;). I would like to point out I don't own Redwall, Kelaiah, Raykin, or Rector!

IT was the middle of "the summer of the locked up moles", and Abbess Song was quite worried.

Recently, creatures have been coming and telling her about perfect creatures that couldn't possibly be real.

A ferret named Kelaiah was right now telling her about the creatures they call "sues".

"They are awful, horrible beasts that are log-"

He got no further because, at that moment Song yelled "WHAT IS THAT MOLE DOING HEAR!?!?!?"

Kelaiah noticed a mole walking about who was quickly stolen by Dannflor down to the mole cells

"Er, why are you locking the moles up?" Keliah said hesitantly.

"Well to tell you the truth," Song explained, "it's because we realized nobody likes moles or their mode of speech, and they are only useful for comic relief."

The ferret was quite bewildered, but nonetheless, he continued to explain, "Well, as I was saying, they are beasts that defy logic and…"

Again he was cut short, but this time by a hare named Benjamin Thuple Egla Finlan The Third (for future reference, Benjamin) that was walking around, "I've 'eard of sues, wicked beasts." Said Benjamin.

Song shouted, "NO YOU HAVEN'T, Benjamin Thuple Egla Finlan The Third!!!!" (Sorry for going out of caps. But I copied and pasted) Shouted Song.

"Hey is anybody listening to me?" said Kelaiah.

"BE RESPECTFUL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Kelaiah (the author)

"Sorry" said Kel

Benjamin, pretending to have not heard that out-burst said to Song " Have to! I've been talking 'bout 'em for seasons!!"

"YOU KNOW WHAT?" Roared song, "IF YOUR GOING TO BE LIKE THAT YOU CAN GO WITH HIM TO KILL-" gasps for breath from all that shouting, " THOSE CREATURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Even Kelaiah was scared, " it's not that simple, we don't know how to kill them," Kelaiah said softly.

" WELL YOU CAN GO FIND HOW TO KILL THEM WITH THIS LYING BUNNY RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!" Shouted Song till she started coughing

" FINE STUPID BUSH-TAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The arguing went on, but I'm a slow typer so I'm not going to tell you what they say.

Song ended it by say, "fine I'll give you one more day, then you can go off to kill the creatures."

* * *

Well that's it for tonight, I hope this isn't a disappointment because I didn't tell you the argument, but I didn't want to start my tale with profanity!

If you have a redwall character I would be happy to use them, if you don't understand why, just look at my name!

Will they find how to slay the Sues?

Will I ask more ?s later?

Find out when I fell like it **BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, cough cough, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

** Please R/R!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(What's with my maniacle laughter?)  
**


	3. Meet the horde

**A/N:** Yeah I've only gotten one new character but since I get bored easily, I'm just going to start a new chapter. My thanks to shade frost for actually giving me a character (glares at all readers). So anyway I give you

BENJAMIN MEETS THE HORDE 

Oh before I forget, Benjamin is a tall thin, slightly comical, hair. He wore bright colors, shunning the normal abbey appearance. His out fit, well to be frank, he looked like a jester, without the hat.

As Benjamin woke up, a few things passed through his head, for one, it was the first day of his adventure, and also, he wondered how they could have put a "stupid bush-tail" as their Abbess

He woke up and went down to the kitchen (what else would he do?), and their he was greeted by the friar And Song "Well rabbit are you ready to go on your quest?"

"Ready as I'll ever be bush-tail." Retorted the jester, and slightly insane, hare.

Before Benjamin could speak further insults, the abbess blew a whistle, and Danflor picked him up and thru him out the door Benjamin out the gate.

As the hare looked around, he saw a variety of odd characters; at the head of them all were a few creatures and Kelaiah. "This is the insane hare I was telling you about." Said Kelaiah.

Benjamin looked around wildly and said, "Wait why are there vermin AND other good creatures?" said the hare.

"Because," started a female pure ferret with creamy white fur, a cutlass and numerous scars and pink eyes named Liliot, "all of us hate them."

"That's right!" exclaimed a brown furred, black-eyed male mouse named Rector with two short daggers and a quiver of arrows.

Benjamin was quite bewildered, all these sue hating beasts all coming to redwall, he now cursed the fact that he had gotten on the abbess' bad side. "Well I guess we're of on an adventure!" He said reluctantly.

"Wait," said Rector, "how do we know were we're going?" with a confused look on his face.

"Why just follow the sign!" exclaimed Benjamin as every one looked to see a sign that said, "path to defeating sues" with an arrow on it pointing west.

"Okayyyyyyyyyyy," said Kelaiah, "sense when has that been there?"

"Ever since the time of Martin the warrior" said Ben in a non-shalant manor.

Every beast looked at him as if he was crazy (and for the most part was), and everyone shouted in outrage.

"Calm down all of you." Roared Lil, "at least we know were we're going."

Every beast went silent, except for a rat named jingo who was yelling something about cream cheese. Every creature present stared at the rat, "I just wanted some cream cheese." He said as every- (you know what, that's getting pretty annoying so I'm going to just say everyone 'k?)one dragged him into the woods and beat him to death.

"Well that had nothing to do with the plot." Said Kelaiah.

"Oh well." Said Ben, for some reason with a cheerful expression, and everyone-

"That's every **beast **stupid," roared Lil

Fine every _beast _backed away from the odd hare.

"Okay, off on our adventure we go." Said Rector.

A/N: And so ends this chapter of my story, I hope you liked it, and I will only be accepting characters for one more chapter, after that it will just be weird. See you next time, ** BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!**


	4. Meanwhile

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!** It's time for the next chapter!

**A/N: **Okay, I know I'm most likely confusing you by bumping up the deadline for characters, but I just had an awesome idea brought on by painful memories, to much soda, and crazy dreams, I hope you like it.You have until next chapter to submit characters. PS. I don't own Dark Crystal, Jim Henson. I also don't own a pony, but who would want to? I'm rambling so I'll stop and give you the amazing third chapter

* * *

MEAN WHILE

Abbess Song was, once again, getting restless. Another weird creature that called its self a _mystic_. "The Sues are coming, and if you don't heed my warning you will all die, they are being led by a Skeksis (that is spelled right, for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about see Dark Crystal, and if you look Skeksis up, you see it's both singular and plural, just pronounced in different ways) that will slay you all!" said the mystic in its long, drawn out mode of speech.

Song was getting quite annoyed, what were all these weird creatures doing here, "well, if it's true you never lie, then I guess I should believe you," she said, half meaning it.

"Thank you for listening," said the mystic named Nulnal (just so you who have seen the movie know, they aren't connected, the mystic and the Skeksis).

* * *

It wad an goood day in da Sue campd. Da sues got them an new leader, who wad quit ugry. "why does we have to be leads by that stopid Skeksis?" said an gorgues feret. 

"Because I'm all powerful and knowing, hmmmmmmmmmmm?" Said the Skeksis who placed a spell so that it was only their dialogue that was messed up.( the hm thing is just because the Skeksis are really, and I mean REALLY annoying and do that all the time).

"Yeah, but ya still ugry," said a high land, but very beautiful, squirrel.

* * *

Back at the abbey, trouble was in the air. They had to protect themselves from an invasion, keep the moles locked up, buy some jelly beans for the movie they were going to see later, and get Buttey a physiatrist because he was so depressed about Nutwing, AND harbor (sp?) this new guest they had (the mystic). Song was at her wits end. 

"Honey, why don't we just wait for the movie on HBO (don't own that)?" said Dannflor, with a slight quiver of fear.

"BECAUSE, DWOPPEL BROKE THE T.V., AND WHY ON EARTH DID YOU CALL ME _HONEY_?" SAID SONG IN HER ANGRY CAPS. MODE MADE FAMOUSE IN REDWALL AND THE HOUNTED MANSION.

"Because, aren't we supposed to be in love or something?" said Dannflor.

"Why does every one think that?" said Song, with a slight pout to her voice.

Cregga walked in, said "pickles" and left. Everyone wanted to know why, but they never found out, because it's the end of the chapter.

* * *

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it's the end of the chapter, WAHAHAHAHAHAHA. cries histariclyoh well, till next time but before we go, 

Will Song and Dann ever see their movie?

Will they stop the sues and the Skeksis?

Will the moles ever get out?

Will Buttey ever get over Nutwing?

Will Benjamin find the secret?

Will the day be saved?

Will I ever stop asking questions that start with will?

Find out next time, I hope you enjoyed it! Get ready for the evil laughter,**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! See top.**


	5. Something

A/N: Sorryyyyyyyyyy. I haven't written in a long time. I have been looking at a block, not knowing what it was and it turned out to be a writer's block (This joke courtesy of Xanth) which is the second reason I haven't been writing. I have been reading Xanth because I've already read all the Redwall books. But all that is don now, so I give you

**Chapter 5: Something**

* * *

Da suezzzzzz wad hafink a bit o terriblys. An ferce wario nameded pickles ecsapeded. day was gonna kill hims butt hes iscapeded.

"Shut up you freaks!! Don't you know any grammar(if he said it wrong it was because the sparkle sue power)?" Siad Franklin (that's the name I made for him.).

"Noooo"sias al da seus. Franklin decided he would use his grammar spell again, however, it still wasn't strong enough to completley stop the sparkle power. He was slowly going mad

* * *

Now everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at Crega, they all thought she said that because she had run out of pills for her insanity(She's like 100 seasons old for god's sakes, she has to go senile at some point,right)and nobody wanted to go to the CVS to get more. "Crega do you see pickles?" song said sweetly.

"heyyyyyyyyy, why don't you ever say things sweetly to me?" said Danflor.

"Because you're an idiot who thinks I like him, I mean come on, what did you ever do during our adventure? your dad has all the right to hate you."she said cooly.

"No I don't see pickles, there's a mouse named pickles at the door, and a ten headed snake with a machine gun, that shoots pancakes with snozeberry syrup."Crega said, nobody believed her, but she thought they were pandas so she didn't care.

"Suuuuuuure Crega we'll take care of the mean old snake,"she said. "Somebody go to the CVS now!" she said in a stage whisper.

"Just to be sure there isn't a mouse named pickles at the gate I'll go check,"Danflor said, but really said it to get away from Song.

"Fine but when your done with that go to the CVS and get Crega's flipping pills.I'm sick of her saying these crazy things."she said.

When Danflor got there sure enough there stood a mouse named pickles, he could tell because the mouse was wearing a name tag. "what do you want?" Danflor called down.

"I've come to warn you about the invasion,"pickles called back. He was a rather plain mouse wearing a green tunic with a sword across his back, in other words, he wasn't that significant.

"Sorry, we already have enough nut jobs telling us about the sues,"Dan said.

He was about to walk away when pickles called out to him."Wait I can help you, I am a magician."

"What kind of magician, an illusion guy who's full of crap or one who can actually help us?"

"One who can actually help you, I can control fire." he said

"prove it." next thing he knew, his whiskers were on fire."OK I believe you." he let him in "Go talk to Song, she's in Great Hall.I can't go there with you 'cause I've got to go to the CVS."

"oooooookay" he said and he walked of to great hall.

* * *

Benjamin came to a fork in the road, which reminded him of food, so they had lunch. " why don't we have bagels?" suggested a horde beast.

"'K, we can do that."said Ben."Hey we don't have cream cheese.I guess that's what Jingo was talking about, oh and HA that did something to do with the plot,Rector.I guess we'll have -" he was cut off by a giant flash, in an instant the horde was gone and there was a note

"The sues are attacking,bunny, we need the horde and all the other capable fighters, we have a magician named pickles who will be joining you in a moment.

I hope you get killed bunny. Signed Song."

"Hey we can fight" said Kelaiah, Rector and Liliot in unison, as if rehearsed. Just then pickles arrived.

"Don't worry, she knew if she took all of you that Ben would die,"pickles said.He told them his story and they believed.They ate and went left(they saw a motel to the right so decided to go left).

"Hey Ben, what do you think the secret to destroying sues is?"said Kelaiah.

"Mangoes" Ben said

"Mangoes?Why the flip would it be MANGOES?"cried Rector

"'Cause they're cool,"Ben said Cooley

"He's right you know mangoes are cool,"said pickles.

"You two are crazy,"said Liliot

"This is going to get crazy, and I mean REALLY crazy!"Kelaiah said.

* * *

A/N:And that's why your parents never hugged you. I'm going to write a new story that I think you all will enjoy but for now...

Will they stop the sues?

Will Dan come back from the CVS?

Was there really a ten headed snake with a machine gun?

What does Ben want with mango?

All this and more whenever I feel it convenient for me. For now look at the bunny.

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(O-O)  
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**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH(Gasp)HA!!**There, that should suffice.


	6. Cookie jar

I met in a club in old Soho where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola C O L A Cola she walked up to me and asked me and asked me to dance, I asked for her and in a dark brown voice she said Lola LOLA Lola,

A/N: Sorry about that, just listening to L-O-L-A Lola and,. It, Is AWSOME. Now I'm going to write this chapter and use standard disclaimers, but now, I'm going Green, that's right i'm going to go green which basically means nothing 'cause I'm just a crappy fan fic. writer so now I give you

**THE COOKIE JAR!!**

Benjamin was walking along a the path, feeling a bit bored, because nothing had happened yet, except of course, Jingo's death, the fork, the horde disappearing and the magician. So he walked and all of a sudden...

NOTHING HAPPEND.

All right now that enough suspense has been created, they walked down the path and there was...

...

"Uh Mr. author? What was there?" Benjamin said, learning to fear my powers.

Oh sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooory, they found A COOKIE JAR!! !!

"A cookie jar"Rector said (And for those off you who thought it would be Keliah,somebody else needs some spot light).

suddenly Benjamin started eating a cookie "Who took the cookie from the cookie jar? Who me?couldn't be."Benjamin started singing.

"Yes you did,"Yelled an angry, shaggy, and more than a few pounds over weight, as a matter of fact, he looked like a giant ball of fat with fur, and for all one could know, he was.It was obviousely that was his jar of cookies."Fatsos, get him" he yelled, at that, a gang of fat, but not as fat as the one who called them, who was obviously the leader,rats appeared with clubs, before they could do anything, they were surrounded and they couldn't move.

"I'm king blabby blubber of the fatso clan" Blabby said to them

Ono's they've been kidnapped.

How will they get out of this one?

I don't feel like writing more Q's so I leave you with my new Insignia

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(OO)  
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**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.**


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